when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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