Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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