my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
