come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I can't trust your balls anymore.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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