I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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