We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
