dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
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He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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