He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
im so drunk with asians
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.