So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
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He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
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I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016