hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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