Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
