When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
