I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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