Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
