You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
