His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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