allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
These 23 People Had Sex With Someone From Completely Different Cultures
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
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He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering