When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
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mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
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Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family