this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
pop tarts are not kleenex
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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