Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
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you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
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Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...