guess who came home with a hottie last night
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover