I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.