Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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