Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
