I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
