my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
