I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
