Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
