Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
