My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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