dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
