I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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