I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
