And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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