Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
