You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
