I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
