I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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