my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
In America we eat man semen.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
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