He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
