one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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