You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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