Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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