I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
