thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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