He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
should my penis look like a turkey
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
