there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
