Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
