can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
