the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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