Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
