I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
