My Higher Power is John Stamos
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
