I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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