I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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