I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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