When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
