I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
