I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
