i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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