I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
